let yourself go.

'Twas a day of indulgence. Though if I were to be completely honest with myself, I know that the frugal little person in the back of my head restrained me just a bit.

Things that are great:

Black leather

Weekly Planners

Comfy shoes

Coffee

White Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake

Shiny, flippy, curve-hugging dresses

Citrus shampoo

Vanilla EVERYTHING

Yeah, I definitely hit up the after-Christmas sales today. Ah, the wonders of discounts, clearance racks, and coupons. Thank you, Santa, for allowing me this day of joy and merriment. I smell good and my belly is full of delicious empty calories. Mmmmmm... yay. :)

lives running parallel

My dear friend Geoff and I have the extraordinary circumstance of fate in which whatever happens to one of us will happen to the other usually in a matter of days. I could list examples of said phenomenon as they apply directly to Geoff and myself. However, I won't. Some are a little... personal. And by "personal", I actually mean "horribly embarassing and if he ever caught wind of this post, he may turn bright red on the spot". So... yes.

Anyway, we discuss the goings on of our lives fairly frequently and when something similar happens to both of us, it's sort of become an "Oh, look - another one" kind of moment of understanding. Every now and then it can feel pretty draining. Sort of like "Really? Why, oh why, powers that be, must you inflict such misery not only on me but on a dear friend? Was that really necessary? I don't think so."

Mostly though, it's almost comforting. We don't even have to say the words "Yep. I've been there." Uhh... yeah. No shit I have. It happened last week. I told you this over coffee before class. Duh.

As awful as it can be sometimes (like having your life flash before your eyes but with someone else in your place), I know Geoff has my back. He knows exactly what I'm saying and vice versa. In a way, I am both cursed and blessed to have found him. (Love you, princess. Rawr.)

What I am actually trying to discuss is that I have found yet another kindred spirit! Please hear me out before you judge me. Please? I beg you to listen. It may sound cliched. Ready? Promise? No judgment? Cool.

I have recently come across the publication "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. No, I have not seen the movie. I am of the opinion that one should always read the book before seeing the movie and when one does experience the film, one should remain as objective as possible and view the book and the movie as two totally seperate entities. (What I'm trying to say, book/movie lovers of the world, is STOP comparing the Harry Potter films to Ms. Rowling's original works. It will not do you any good to stress over scenes that were cut or what was left out here and there and whether or not Draco Malfoy would ever REALLY act that way. Keep in mind that Malfoy is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER and therefore OPEN TO INTERPRETATION. M'kay?)

I digress.

My point? Don't judge a book by it's flick. Nor a flick by it's book. There is creative license involved on both sides and one should... sigh. Point made? Thanks.

ANYWAY. Though I have yet to experience the cinematic version of "Eat Pray Love", I intend to eventually. But for the moment, I am focused on the book.



SO. This gal Liz. She spends a year travelling. Italy, India, then the Indonesian island of Bali.

Can I just tell you a little about myself first? This may clear a few things up.

First of all, you know how people addicted to certain chemicals are referred to as "druggie"? You can call me a "foodie". I cook every day of my life, whether the recipe is simple or elaborate. Whatever. I cook a lot. I eat a lot. Food is a HUGE source of happiness in my life. The Italians? THEY GET IT. They just... DO. No Italian I have ever met would dare judge my love of ice cream. Nor do they frown upon my pasta binges (which my roommate - or anyone who knows me well enough - will tell you) happen on a regular basis... almost daily, as a matter of fact. Shut up. Sophia Loren once said herself in reference to her figure "Everything you see I owe to spaghetti." So there.

Either way, food. Italy. OH. MY. GOD. ...drool...

Second, Italian culture FASCINATES me. I joke all the time that when I do get to hell (it'll happen, I promise) that I want an apartment with a view of Benito Mussolini's mansion because the Italians have such beautiful architecture. The sculptors? The painters? Even the language!! It sounds so... so... SEXY. Holy mother of pearl! ...more drool...

Third, I love yoga. I'm a bit out of practice, but every time I get the chance to do it, I feel amazing. It's like I'm connecting with an entire higher level of myself. I'm all white light and energy and zen. This beautiful sensation washes over me. My whole body feels instantly better. I am focused and I am calm and I am one with all things. I can't describe it as accurately as I'd like. If you've never had such an experience, I highly recommend it. Really. Go. Now. Do it.

Fourth, I really believe Hinduism has it right in terms of prayer. No offense to all those who pray differently; I'm just saying this has been most effective in my personal experince. Hindu meditation focuses mainly on GIVING. You concentrate on your chakras to push your mantra out of you in an effort to give back to your higher power while keeping yourself open and able to recieve IF it is given. With most other forms of prayer (bear in mind that I was raised Irish-Catholic), it's mostly along the lines of "Thanks, God. You've been great, but could you help me out with this? I need world peace and a million dollars and a pony and a bike and a doll..."

Fifth, I've had a few struggles with depression myself. Not fun stuff and not something I'm at all willing to discuss in detail. It's just... yeah.

Sixth, the need for balance? Whoa, boy, Liz, are we on the same page (haha. Book pun. Page. Get it? Sigh...), or what? I am constantly struggling to keep all the elements of my life in order. Finding a balance between earthly desires and unearthly ones? Yes, please.

And now:

Dear Liz Gilbert,

I recieved your book "Eat Pray Love" as a Christmas gift this past weekend. Being an avid reader, I immeadiately finished the book I was on at the time and dove into yours.

THANK YOU. For getting it. For helping me to realize I am NOT the only one in the world who gets really excited over words like "Attraversiamo". Nor am I the only caucasian Christian-raised woman who has an undying love for Hindu meditation. I, too, am desperately trying to seek some sort of clarity as to what I need to do in order to achieve balance.

I cannot possibly thank you enough for making me feel, in an odd sort of way, CONNECTED.

With Love,
M

Baby, it's cold outside and I sure do miss home...

fairfax, virginia was home for five years. i've never lived anywhere that long. yes, two of them involved college and periodic visits back and forth, but... i don't know.

so much happened to me there. so many people influenced me so significantly. i may not have grown up there as the majority of my comrades had, but it was still just as special to me.

woodson high was my first public school (which might not seem like much but it sure was something to an army brat). i learned to drive. had my first beer. fell in love. got my first job. made so many real, honest, lifelong friends it made me cry. i'd never had that kind of support before. only Tina, my best friend, fully understands exactly how much that means.

i think of it now because here in villanova, pennsylvania - the small suburb of philly - it's snowing.

like i said, i've kind of already lived in PA for two years. of course it snows. it blizzards. it freezes! the cold, fluffy precipitation is not what gets me. i looked outside the front window this afternoon and could not see the street. or the yard or the driveway. that's still not what strikes me.

i can't tell how much snow there is.

that must sound so odd. the obvious answer is that it snowed a lot. tons. i get that. i really do. but... how much? how high does the snow reach?

in fairfax, i used to look out the back door of the garage and i could tell exactly how much. almost to the centimeter. i knew how high the fence was, and the trees and the ramp to the shed. every time i guesstimated how many inches had fallen, i was always pretty accurate.

here, i can never remember how high our fence is. or the mailbox. or the bushes. i can't tell how much snow there is without checking weather.com.

this, for one reason or another, bothers me.

follow your bliss

today is my mother's birthday. dad and i took her out to this mediterranean place for lunch and we actually had some good conversation. the most interesting of which was this:

i was explaining to mom how my vision has changed over the course of the last semester. my directing class focused a lot on one's personal vision and the journey one takes to help it grow.
on our last day of class, jason (our professor) had us watch a video of jonathan harris, a guy who had already travelled so much and influenced so many simply by doing what jason is always encouraging us to do: "follow your bliss"

jonathan harris talked about three big things in this video. a website he and a friend put together that analyzes how people online are feeling ( www.wefeelfine.org ). a whaling community he spent a week with in the arctic ocean and the pictures he took every five minutes on the dot. and a trip he took to bhutan where he went around to various locals to ask them how happy they felt and what their wishes were.

as i explained each of these things to my parents, i could see mom's face light up at my enthusiasm. here was a guy who couldn't possibly be much older than 30 already trying to change the world and succeeding! it was mind-blowing at how much he had already done with his life.

i know my parents have dreams for me. my dreams are very different. they always have been. when they see some of the work i do in theater, i know they are proud of me. but it is a totally different kind of pride they would have had if i had followed their plans.

so when i talked about jonathan harris and his work and i saw my mother start to glow, i thought long and hard. the things this stranger was doing, the impact he was beginning to make is very similar to the one i want to persue. i want to travel and document and spread knowledge. i feel like mom is starting to understand this.

later, walking back to the car, i also tried to explain the idea of "following your bliss" and dad quoted something he had read in a book titled "The Four Hour Work Week" that supported the idea of figuring out what exactly it is that you want, what makes you happy, and then be realistic as to what you can do with it.

well... isn't that what i've been trying to do? i love the theater. i love that i can do so much with it. i hate that people say it's dying (and are more than usually right). something inside me catches fire when i see a curtain open. inside a theater is one of the very few places where i am totally comfortable. i can laugh as loud as i want. cry as hard. scream as much.

i want more than anything to spend my life there. i figured that out years ago. and i was realistic. i originally wanted to direct or to act. but i knew how difficult it would have been. how many people struggle to survive on that kind of dream. then i started stage managing and i found a new dream. a dream i could live on. one that fulfilled me and kept me close to everything i ever wanted for myself. a dream i was actually very good at.



so... haven't i gotten there? haven't i deserved some kind of understanding from my family? i have tattoos. so what? it's not like that will hold me back from a job that requires me to sit in the dark with a headset on. i have two to three jobs depending on the week. i don't mind. they're all within my field of interest and it keeps the bills paid. and i like to be kept busy.

i just find it very interesting that my father found in a book what i figured out in high school and have been trying to explain to him and mom ever since.

i'm happy with who i am. i like the direction my life is going in. i'm surrounded by people who truly care about me. i'm out of reasons to prove anything to anyone.

and boy, does that feel nice.

it's a coffee and bagel kind of day

one class this morning. a class i never have trouble getting out of bed for.

comfy clothes. my hair looks fairly decent without much effort.

will tonight be able to FINALLY see the show i've been box office managing. cross your fingers i don't have to kick any ignorant intro student ass. (...disrespectful little shits...)

yeah. it's a coffee and bagel day. went to java city. purchased said items. sat around playing cards and munching on deliciousness.

it's the kind of day where i can let myself relax. i may even pull out one of the cardboard tubes from stage movement and lay on it for a while. (if you have never experienced this, DO IT -- line it up with the columns of muscles on either side of your spine one at a time and just lay on it for five minutes each. it hurts like hell at first but then it feels SO GOOD.)

today is not a day to worry about the drama going on around me, whether i am directly involved or not. i can breathe. and keep munching on deliciousness. :)

can't force a dance party, but for you I'll try

this is a great truth.

blame it on my night owl roomie, but i haven't gotten a full eight hours of sleep in three weeks. and since i've been bouncing around working and moving and whatnot, the four months before that.

i need a break. isn't that what summer was supposed to be for?

thank the gods for journals. i've been writing like it's the last thing in the world i can cling to. it's glorious and freeing and thought provoking, but oh sweet JESUS do my fingers hurt and boy am i out of profound thoughts.

next step: stream of consciousness. just write, no matter what comes into my head. did that in jason's class the first week and made some really great discoveries. for example:
i used to be afraid of tangible things. snakes no longer bother me. spiders cause me no anxiety. now i fear being alone. i fear other people. i fear my own head. i'm afraid of the world shrinking and everyone becoming inhuman. i used to be afraid of tactile things, things i could somehow control. now i can't even see what i fear.

yeah. like that. should try that again. maybe when i strike poetic gold, i'll finally be able to get some sleep... here's hoping.

you know what's awesome?

i'll tell you.

new jeans. really comfy ones.

lavender bubble bath. the extra bubbly kind.

cozy sweats. good and worn in and fuzzy on the inside.

freshly shaved legs. that feel amazing with cozy sweats.

"a little of your time" by maroon 5

and a drumstick ice cream cone with caramel inside.

OH. MY. GOD.

my troubles just went poof! :)

headache. ow.

you know what happens to a girl when she's rushed out of bed, into a freezing shower, left behind, and then chugs coffee too quickly while angry at her impatient parents? her head implodes. it's not comfortable. in fact, THIS girl finds it decidedly painful.

it's times like these i wish i had brought my stage management kit home with me. i could then avoid scouring the house for the aspirin. how did a pack-rat like my mother birth me? i digress.

have some art. it's good for you.

typing away

with plans to stage manage next season's production of Shakespeare's "The Comedy of Errors," i find myself overachieving... again. i swear, when i'm not doing more than i should, i'm lazy. i hate being lazy. it's almost as bad as being angry. i do what i can to avoid both. therefore, i plan eight months ahead of myself. it seems to work so far.

i've scoured the internet and it turns out that none of the online formats of the script will agree to copy and paste into a word document. bummer. ah, well. i have bartleby.com and my copy of "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare" to go off of and i've begun transcribing.

it's oddly relaxing. i haven't been in front of a computer screen for such lengths of time since finals week.

not that i want to reminisce about finals week. it was hell.

i do, however, enjoy typing. it gives me a feeling of purpose.

and this is where my mind goes...

last night i had a dream. in this dream, i am walking out of a grocery store, large brown paper bag in hand.

and suddenly i turn to see my dear friend Nate cruising down the street on an upright piano much like the one he is fond of playing in the studio theater.

he rides along as though absolutely nothing is out of the ordinary. he sees me, waves and somehow pulls around the curb to help lift me onto the piano to sit behind him.

we ride along for a bit before i pull out a few of my groceries and we munch on cookies while the piano floats up into the air and through the clouds.

and then i woke up.

this dream gives me wonderful thoughts for a stop-animation project. hell, yeah...

Gleek Squad (see? it's a pun)

i'm a huge glee fan. don't judge. stop judging. you are so not allowed.

anyway, last night was the madonna episode... so i've had this song stuck in my head all day and i LOVE IT!

listen to it. embrace it. sing along for the rest of the day. just do it. and thank me later. ;-)

okay, the hyperlink isn't showing up so just go to youtube and search madonna - like a virgin... please. i aim to spread joy.

can't fight this feeling

i need to get out of here for a while. hey, dudes in long island? hire me. i'd like to meet and love you all. 'kay, thanks. <3>

i would tend to agree

another piece of wisdom for a dear friend.

tricky for me to say out loud, but easy enough for him to understand.

there's no real point to this one...

to the right is a picture my friend Lisa took of me the other day. it was beautiful outside so we played games and drank Italian sodas. it was glorious.
i like this picture especially because it makes me look like my brothers.

and below, we have some wonderful soap. i'm on a mission to recreate this soap so i may look at it every day and feel better.

define beauty

what makes a person beautiful?

i know many positively gorgeous people, but they don't resemble one another at all. susan is not beautiful in the same way that nikki is beautiful, but she is still beautiful.

how does this work?

so many people with freckles hate that they have them, but i think they are wonderful.

when i was little, my grandmother told me freckles were angel kisses and i guess it stuck. of course, many years later i realized that angels didn't actually kiss people to give them these beautiful spots, but on some level, that concept never really went away. my youngest brother has LOTS of freckles and i've always been jealous.

so i guess our concepts of beauty are very different. i don't know many other people who love freckles as much as i do.

any thoughts? what makes beauty?

love love love

i wish people would realize this.

for example ( and i'm going to get a little personal here for a sec), i fell in love with my best friend not too long ago. or at least it doesn't seem that long ago. in actuality it's been many many months. anyway, i fell pretty hard and couldn't understand what i was doing wrong. then i made this realization and as soon as i did, it became easier to get over him. i used to wish that he loved me back the way i thought i loved him, but then when i thought about it, just because he didn't care about me the way i wished he would, that didn't mean he didn't care at all. it just meant he loved me differently.

we now have the friendship i had wanted for us long before i started to think of him romantically. we love each other like best friends, siblings even. i tell him things i don't tell anyone else and vice versa.

and now he's in the same place i was. i wish he could figure this out.

ffffound.com

this website. i could kill hours... DAYS on this website, scrolling through and saving the ones i like... which are A LOT. i really wish we had more of this kind of artwork around daily life. in an attempt to fix this, i have dozens of my favorites printed off and hung up in and around my apartment. next step is to print them off to make cards, calendars, and posters. i send links pretty often, but now i want to give something tactile. i don't care if it ends up being used as a bookmark or something... oooh, there's an idea. make them into bookmarks.

anyway, i will make a real effort to post one ffffound.com picture for every post. most of them are actually very thought-provoking so they may lead me to write more... for those that actually read this thing. emily mcgilvray, i know you're out there. :P

to thine ownself be true...

is it bad that our company's production of Shakespeare "Hamlet" isn't for another YEAR and already, i know exactly who will be cast for what roles, a full props list, a management copy of the full script, and my own version of cast and crew contracts. and we are currently watching the kenneth branagh version of the film.

I LOVE IT. no, really. at this point, i'm actually obsessed. just thought i'd share.

hhhmmmm... yay

and today was the REAL st. paddy's.

and the weather cooperated with my requests/demands. it was gorgeous. all of us out in the oak grove, playing music, playing games, and soaking up sun in bare feet. glorious.

and now listening to new favorite song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozfAKu6M55o&videos=ldFr9ylODNo

and so it goes

back at school. THANK CHRIST.

and already behind on work. need to catch up on my lighting design project, start on my film studies response to "some like it hot", finish my application to work as a stage manager for summer camp, e-mail my grandmother, write to my grandfather, send a get well card to toni, finish my CAD mid-term, collect and store the rest of the borrowed props from the studio shows, figure out a schedule and plan for the light hang/focus for the dance show, prepare for lighting for "servant of two masters", memorize the lines to my scene for my acting class, meet with my scene partner, AND i need groceries like WOAH. and art supplies for this design project.

so... someone remind me WHY i want to be a theater major. anyone. please.

kidding. totally kidding. i like this better than say... chemistry. THAT would suck. no offense to any chem majors, but sheesh.

anyway, i should probably stop chatting on a blog and start actually working on that above list. yes. this is a good plan... i can do that... after i get coffee.
BYE!

us? irish? yeah, no shit

today is my last day in fairfax, va before spring break for me ends and i head back up to indiana, pa. i am not sad about this fact.

it is also my family's st. patrick's day party in an hour and a half. spending the last day and a half making the house (and my person) presentable, not exactly my idea of a bangin' great time, but i do get to eat A LOT of really fantastic dad-made food.

pictured above: left, steak and oyster pie (OH.MY.GOD.delicious.); right, the classic mashed potatoes

along with this feast, there are also many desserts to include apple tarts and mint meringues (because they're green)

also, there is a giant irish flag hanging from our dining room window, two maps of ireland spread out on the table, green sparkly garland hanging from the stair railing, and the proper instructions on how to make the perfect irish coffee posted.

there is also a large metal tub full of guinness that i'm not allowed to touch. this is torture. normally i would fume about this fact by eating too many potatoes, but i can't eat until people get here which won't be for another hour!!!! oy...

and it's raining. a lot. which i specifically asked it not to. god damn it. at least it's festive. dreary irish weather and all that.

and now i miss dear tyler mcpherson, who is my intended "we're-irish-and-depressed-and-loveless-so-we-shall-pull-a-james-joyce-and-lock-ourselves-up-with-whiskey-and-corned-beef-so-that-we-may-be-inspired-to-write-unmatched-beautiful-witty-prose" partner. we both feel it is a solid plan. when i'm not up to my ears in homework or working on a show, it will happen... which, you know, might not be for another two years, but still.

the pressure of art

so i promised a friend that i would lend her some of my (few) pieces of original art for her studio show in a few weeks.

first of all, i have a limited selection and i'm not sure whether or not she will want to use them or if they will suit the rest of the set design. so i should probably come up with several more for variety's sake.

second, i'm terrified. my artwork chills out on the walls of my apartment. not a big deal when i have friends over and they see it and comment on it. not at all. in that space, it's comfortable. it belongs there. in a show, people i don't know are seeing it and (silently) judging its artist's technique. i know i don't have to meet with any of these people or care what they think as long as hayley (studio show director gal) thinks it works. but still. scary.

anyway, i've set off on a mission to do more of them. art that is. i've procrastinated long enough already and it has been far too long since i painted (if you knew me, you'd know this is actually a huge travesty).

until then, i search for inspiration from websites like ffffound.com (AH-MAZ-ING)

and then the rain comes

cross your fingers; pray to jesus, santa claus, holy krishna, whomever you so choose; whatever it takes to get us decent weather for the upcoming week.

there are several reasons for this, the foremost of which being I DO NOT WANT TO KEEP LIVING IN THE SIBERIA-LIKE CONDITIONS WE'VE BEEN DEALING WITH SINCE OCTOBER. i mean, really, powers that be. i think us earthlings deserve a bit of a break.

THIS. PRAY FOR THIS!!!

second, my very trustworthy sources inform me that a certain motorcycle has been repaired and is currently in ride-able condition. I WANT TO SEE HER. and i would like to do so in beautiful weather so that i can finagle her owner into taking a drive (my unmatched magical powers of persuasion are somewhat limited if riding conditions are shitty)

third, i want my mother to return home PROMPTLY. i know how much she hates making the trip from virginia to pennsylvania and back in one day, and i want her to have NO EXCUSE to stay any longer than she absolutely has to. if the weather cooperates, it may convince her to turn right back around and keep driving.

yep. those are my three main reasons... and i have a few people to back me up on each of them (i probably have thousands for that first one)

more to come as soon as the motorcycle seeing and mom's driving plans unfold. for now, have a listen to this fabulous woman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nad1AOaY8KI

...adults are just obsolete children, and to hell with them!

another attempt to keep up with a blog without getting bored or sick of myself.
a new approach: get a little more creative, take a few more risks, reflect a bit more
this is the plan. let's see, shall we?

i'm reminded not only of Dr. Seuss, but also of "Under the Tuscan Sun"
there is a character named Catherine. she is blonde, beautiful, and carefree. she encourages Frances to "never lose your childish enthusiasm"
well, we can try that too. maybe i'll find some ladybugs along the way.